The following is not a cry for help nor a bid for more business. I just feel the need to let this out in as many ways as possible so that I feel better. Because that's in part what a journal's for.
For a couple of months now, my living situation's become strange. My roommate who was also a friend of about 13 years or more found a lady he really connected with in a way he hasn't before. He stayed a few days, then a week, several weeks, then pretty much stopped living with me for about a month or two. Which wasn't so bad since he got what he wanted and he was obliging his end of our living arrangements. Except, one day I got him to spill that he's been planning to move in with this woman. At first, it seemed alright. He had been fired, but has been keeping things up with me with his unemployment. He would have enough until March of next year and by then new arrangements could be made. Now, this was uncomfortable, but we had a fair amount of time to prepare. Hell, he assured me that he would give us all the help we need until we were able to put something together. Not so bad, I suppose. Then, last week, things went downhill very, very quickly.
Just my second day back in Brooklyn and I get wind of an e-mail from him about why he's leaving. About how he's been chronically depressed for the last two years and we made him feel so unhappy and unwelcome. That unlike before when he said he would help us for however long, said he would only help us until March, then we get cut. That's it. That's pretty fucking cold and it got his other friends (which are also mine) and myself pretty pissed off. The situation got tighter, but doable. Then, this past Tuesday we get crushing news. He tells me that he's only now got two weeks of unemployment money left and that he's gotta scramble to meet the most of his half of the rent that he can. Now, we have no time. Told me how much it hurt him that it had to happen that way, how he cried about it. Asked me for ideas on what could be done. That's all dandy, except he's gotta be one of the most selfish people I've had the misfortune to trust.
Very simply, all these revelations about his emotional state and quality of life. They were never made clear to my friends or myself. I have confronted him about his time drinking, his time alone. I've asked if he's been alright. He would tell me now and again if he was glum or not. But overall, hey. Ups and downs, we all have them. But then he unveils that his depression is chronic and that I should've known. That's something he never even mentioned once. Telling me about how unwelcome he felt, leaving these things to fester instead of telling anybody. Especially me. He perceived things that simply were not true and it became this twisted mess. His reasons for no longer helping (or being able to help), aggravated me further.
Before I go on, I'm gonna say that not only does he want to move in with this woman because he loves her or whatever, but he's also taken care of. That's right. He's gonna live there and not have to pay a God damn thing. Lovely, eh? I think many of us would like such a set-up. He actually doesn't need to work anymore... so he won't. When his unemployment news was broken to me, he said he applied to some emergency employment program or something and then asked me for more ideas. I gave him one. I told him he could come back to work where I still do. Now, thing about that is he got fired on a trumped up accusation, but lately they've wanted him back. He knows this and his reaction? "I can't do that, I have a life here now." Yep, you sure do. And the nerve to ask me for more ideas. He made it clear in the previous instance that he also doesn't want to live where he isn't happy so how many ideas could I possibly have for someone like that?
Being frank here, I haven't actually been happy living with him. I really thought I could, but I didn't want to in the future. But you know, I would not have done this to him. I would have never uprooted like this leaving such a fucking mess in his lap, forcing him to pack up his life again and leave. Two apartments in not even two years. The first time was beyond our control. Cosmic bad luck. Now this, from within, because of selfish reasons. Happiness at the cost of others'. Really nice. This was my friend.
I have no real idea how this is all gonna go, even with my plans and contingencies. There's just so much left to chance. I would've thought this kind of thing would happen if I lost my job or made poor decisions. One thing I can say is that I will no longer have to rely on this person ever again. Gotta have something good come out of all this.
